Let me just preface this entry by saying that ultimately, in relationships, we are bound to make our own rules and then break them accordingly. We will continue to hope that we too are the exception to someone else's rule (a-la He's Just Not That Into You), and sometimes we will be. In other words, some of us might actually get the picture perfect romantic movie endings we always dreamed of. Of course, there's a reason we denote those endings as "exceptional," and that's because they don't happen every day -- chances are, when someone is treating you poorly in a relationship, they are not The One and have no real place in your life.
So here's the situation: you've been dating this guy for a long time and you are convinced that he's your perfect fit. You're completely in love with him and you doubt you could ever possibly shake those feelings. However, the two of you have definitely had your fights, and people often question why you are even together (after all, you're always second-guessing yourself when you're with him). Then one day, he really messes things up... and simply talking things through isn't going to repair anything. He goes to great lengths to plead your forgiveness. What do you do now?
a) End the relationship because you know you deserve better.
b) Forgive and forget because he fought for you!
c) Put your hands on his cash and spend it to the last dime for all the hard times. (Thank you, Blu Cantrell!)
Okay, as appealing as c sounds, it's probably illegal - so that option is out. All we have left now are a (the rational, albeit often difficult, response) and b (the one we tend to lean toward). Any apology that seems remotely heartfelt tends to be easily accepted because we think we're about to lose the love of our lives. And we feel as though that person made a distinct effort to chase after us, which is very romantic in movies and television. If you don't believe me, just look at all the fan pages devoted to this on Facebook... for example, one page entitled "when a girl says i'm done, it really means fight for me" has 261,655 fans (and quickly growing... I had to change that number from 261,093 within the last few minutes or so).
Sadly, when it comes down to it, words are just words, and apologies don't really mean anything (as beautiful as they may sound and as creatively as they may be executed) unless they lead to a definite change. For every time I gave a boy the benefit of the doubt in a situation where he did not deserve it, I was the one who was ultimately disappointed. And why? Because the concept that he was "fighting" for me allowed me to block out every negative quality and made me see this perfect companionship that didn't really exist. Every time that I was proven wrong, I continued to hold on because I thought I feared losing someone who could be perfect for me. In the end, though, I think the thing we fear the most is our own supposed inadequacy -- we don't think we deserve or will ever be able to find something better.
Ultimately, I don't want anyone to fight for me just because it's a challenge or to maintain some kind of consistency. People make mistakes, but an elaborate apology is only appropriate when you're willing to improve the situation for the long-term and prevent the same mistakes from happening again.
i can't help but think that you wrote this as a slightly angered response to my blog... i just wanted to clarify that i don't think that he was "the one" for me nor do i believe that there is a "one" for anyone. you make your own "one" for yourself. i agree with the fact that a lot of us secretly yearn for the picture perfect romantic movie ending, but that's not what i base my views on love off of. to me, the option out of the two given (because if the third were available, i'd take it in the blink of an eye lol) really depends on the relationship you had with said person. i am not usually a forgiving person as i tend to hold grudges, but i don't see forgiveness in a relationship as something that should be frowned upon. when you spend a really long time with a boyfriend, he becomes a part of your life - a part of YOU - and losing him is like losing a very close best friend. sure, no boyfriend will ever be perfect, but no relationship will be either. in my opinion, the best relationships are the ones in which you are able to work things out together and still be happy with one another regardless of a mistake that one may have made. after all, what matters most is happiness. and if you are both still madly in love with one another... then a relationship built from learning from a mistake can only come out stronger in the end. that's just what i think. :)
ReplyDeleteLoving the blog Val, keep it coming =)
ReplyDeleteHey, I want you to know that this was in no way an angry response to your blog post... in fact, I've been wanting to write about these topics for a while now... but the way the timing worked out, I can see why you think that. This definitely wasn't targeted at you or anything like that - and I still stand by the comment I made on your blog post that getting over someone you really love is hard, and that it may take you some time before you're really ready to begin another relationship. I hope you don't think I was calling you out in this post or trying to belittle the way you feel, because I wasn't.
ReplyDeleteObviously every relationship is going to have its struggles; you can't have that honeymoon period forever and it's normal to fight once in a while. And it's good to be able to talk to one another and work your way through those problems, because that's what makes the relationship strong. But I don't think that constant fighting and such is really all that healthy, either, and I think there comes a point when it becomes too much.
People aren't perfect and they will make mistakes. But I'm not talking about just that... when I say that the person messed up, I mean that he or she did something really hurtful or treated you really poorly. And that in spite of their apologies, they continue to do the same things.
I agree... LEARNING from those mistakes can make a relationship stronger. I guess that didn't really come through in my post, but that's part of what I was trying to say.
Again, this entry was by no means an attack against you. Your post didn't invoke any anger in me or anything... I was sad about what you were going through, but I still stand by everything I said in the comment I left you there. I hope you know that. : )
And thank you, Peter!
ReplyDeleteokay, hehe. i was just having a very insecure moment. :(
ReplyDeletebut yeah, i definitely agree that making that same hurtful mistake repetitively won't help a relationship unless the couple can learn from it and work through it together. :)