I don't love you. I love the idea of you. Let's face it: if we could admit that to ourselves, we wouldn't have to deal with so many relationship dramas in our lives... we would see past it all and realize why things aren't working out. In reality, though, our logic is often flawed. We look to our friends, our crushes, our significant others, and when they mess things up, we justify their behaviors. Why? Because we really care about them? Sure, that's definitely a contributing factor. Because they're just that good-looking? A little superficiality never hurt anyone (well, maybe that's a bad example!). But I think the real reason why we do this to ourselves is not just because of our love or attraction for the people who hurt us, but because of what our love and attraction have led to... an idealized image of that person, one that can never, ever do wrong.
It really hit home for me when I was having boy issues a long time ago. The relationship was built around a friendship, which was something I had always wanted: a boyfriend who doubled as a best friend. I still maintain that such a relationship appeals to me (after all, my current boyfriend and I were already close friends for months before we started dating), but I learned since then that it's important not to confuse those images with what's really there. Yes, this guy from forever ago was my friend... yes, we had our inside jokes and long talks and chemistry. But when this guy started blowing me off and acting weird around me, I didn't immediately think to myself, What a jerk for treating me like this, he's not worth my time. Instead, I thought about the foundation upon which the relationship was built, and when my other friends told me I was too good for him, I rationalized that he was one of my best friends and that he would never try to hurt me.
Of course, things ultimately went up in flames, and I learned all too quickly that it was never really him that made me happy. It was this built-up image of him that I'd had... this idealized version of this boy who was actually kind of mediocre in every way, but because I liked him he could do no wrong. And I realize now how dangerous that really is, because truthfully, everyone is flawed. And everyone is capable of hurting someone else... even on purpose.
The point is, we do this to ourselves all the time. We idealize the ones we care about - not just our significant others, but our friends as well. It is so important to distinguish the real person from the paper person (the idea), because when we keep making these mistakes, we allow ourselves to be treated unfairly without consequence. We need to know that when someone wrongs us, it's okay to be upset. And when someone continues to hurt us, it's okay to decide that we deserve better.
Images are great when it comes to advertisements and art, but what happens when they leak into our lives?
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