An Elaborate Chase Does Not A Relationship Make

Let me just preface this entry by saying that ultimately, in relationships, we are bound to make our own rules and then break them accordingly. We will continue to hope that we too are the exception to someone else's rule (a-la He's Just Not That Into You), and sometimes we will be. In other words, some of us might actually get the picture perfect romantic movie endings we always dreamed of. Of course, there's a reason we denote those endings as "exceptional," and that's because they don't happen every day -- chances are, when someone is treating you poorly in a relationship, they are not The One and have no real place in your life.

So here's the situation: you've been dating this guy for a long time and you are convinced that he's your perfect fit. You're completely in love with him and you doubt you could ever possibly shake those feelings. However, the two of you have definitely had your fights, and people often question why you are even together (after all, you're always second-guessing yourself when you're with him). Then one day, he really messes things up... and simply talking things through isn't going to repair anything. He goes to great lengths to plead your forgiveness. What do you do now?

a) End the relationship because you know you deserve better.

b) Forgive and forget because he fought for you!

c) Put your hands on his cash and spend it to the last dime for all the hard times. (Thank you, Blu Cantrell!)

Okay, as appealing as c sounds, it's probably illegal - so that option is out. All we have left now are a (the rational, albeit often difficult, response) and b (the one we tend to lean toward). Any apology that seems remotely heartfelt tends to be easily accepted because we think we're about to lose the love of our lives. And we feel as though that person made a distinct effort to chase after us, which is very romantic in movies and television. If you don't believe me, just look at all the fan pages devoted to this on Facebook... for example, one page entitled "when a girl says i'm done, it really means fight for me" has 261,655 fans (and quickly growing... I had to change that number from 261,093 within the last few minutes or so). 

Sadly, when it comes down to it, words are just words, and apologies don't really mean anything (as beautiful as they may sound and as creatively as they may be executed) unless they lead to a definite change. For every time I gave a boy the benefit of the doubt in a situation where he did not deserve it, I was the one who was ultimately disappointed. And why? Because the concept that he was "fighting" for me allowed me to block out every negative quality and made me see this perfect companionship that didn't really exist. Every time that I was proven wrong, I continued to hold on because I thought I feared losing someone who could be perfect for me. In the end, though, I think the thing we fear the most is our own supposed inadequacy -- we don't think we deserve or will ever be able to find something better.

Ultimately, I don't want anyone to fight for me just because it's a challenge or to maintain some kind of consistency. People make mistakes, but an elaborate apology is only appropriate when you're willing to improve the situation for the long-term and prevent the same mistakes from happening again.

The Idealized Version of You

I don't love you. I love the idea of you. Let's face it: if we could admit that to ourselves, we wouldn't have to deal with so many relationship dramas in our lives... we would see past it all and realize why things aren't working out. In reality, though, our logic is often flawed. We look to our friends, our crushes, our significant others, and when they mess things up, we justify their behaviors. Why? Because we really care about them? Sure, that's definitely a contributing factor. Because they're just that good-looking? A little superficiality never hurt anyone (well, maybe that's a bad example!). But I think the real reason why we do this to ourselves is not just because of our love or attraction for the people who hurt us, but because of what our love and attraction have led to... an idealized image of that person, one that can never, ever do wrong.

It really hit home for me when I was having boy issues a long time ago. The relationship was built around a friendship, which was something I had always wanted: a boyfriend who doubled as a best friend. I still maintain that such a relationship appeals to me (after all, my current boyfriend and I were already close friends for months before we started dating), but I learned since then that it's important not to confuse those images with what's really there. Yes, this guy from forever ago was my friend... yes, we had our inside jokes and long talks and chemistry. But when this guy started blowing me off and acting weird around me, I didn't immediately think to myself, What a jerk for treating me like this, he's not worth my time. Instead, I thought about the foundation upon which the relationship was built, and when my other friends told me I was too good for him, I rationalized that he was one of my best friends and that he would never try to hurt me.

Of course, things ultimately went up in flames, and I learned all too quickly that it was never really him that made me happy. It was this built-up image of him that I'd had... this idealized version of this boy who was actually kind of mediocre in every way, but because I liked him he could do no wrong. And I realize now how dangerous that really is, because truthfully, everyone is flawed. And everyone is capable of hurting someone else... even on purpose.

The point is, we do this to ourselves all the time. We idealize the ones we care about - not just our significant others, but our friends as well. It is so important to distinguish the real person from the paper person (the idea), because when we keep making these mistakes, we allow ourselves to be treated unfairly without consequence. We need to know that when someone wrongs us, it's okay to be upset. And when someone continues to hurt us, it's okay to decide that we deserve better.

Images are great when it comes to advertisements and art, but what happens when they leak into our lives?