Everybody's Changing And I Don't Feel The Same...

"Change can be so constant you don't even feel the difference until there is one. It can be so slow that you don't even notice that your life is better or worse, until it is. Or it can just blow you away, make you something different in an instant. It happened to me." - Life as a House

We can't deny it: change is abundant and unavoidable and real. No matter what kind of person you are, your circumstances and experiences will have the power to shape you in some way, even to the smallest degree. And no, you might not recognize those changes right away, but those around you will eventually be able to see the person you are about to become. One day, you too will have that "aha!" moment, when you realize that you are no longer that wide-eyed child or jaded teenager, but in fact someone entirely new. Or, at the very least, that you have deviated somewhat from the person you always thought of as You.

Nelson Mandela once said that when you return to a place unchanged, you begin to see the ways that you yourself have changed. Tonight, when I met up with my friend Kevina for frozen yogurt at one of those new self-serve shops, I realized just how true that was.

The frozen yogurt place was brand new, but the plaza where it was located was not. In fact, it was a place my friends and I frequented throughout high school, one where you could find the hipsters, cheerleaders, and wannabe gangsters all coexisting quite peacefully. Anyway, as I waited outside for Kevina to find parking, I took a look around and was eerily reminded of a not-so-distant time. Gaggles of fifteen-year-old girls being dropped off at the front in their mothers' SUVs. The formerly heartthrob "bad boys" hanging around by the crosswalk, unsure of where to make their next move. The awkward young couples who are still getting used to holding hands. A few kids here and there taking a drag off their cigarettes, trying to look as though they've done it all their lives. And my favorite, the four fashionista Mean Girls who were probably in middle school, texting away on their Blackberries and flipping their hair over their shoulders.

The sights seemed all too familiar to me, but at the same time I felt like a total outsider. And in many ways, I was. I mean, technically it wasn't too long ago that I was in high school and I liked my own bad boy, or that my mother dropped me off outside the Barnes and Noble. But in the one year since I was a part of the whole high school food chain, I realize that my priorities have changed. My mindset is completely different. I'm not the same person. Okay, so I'm a nineteen-year-old girl who still cares about boys and friends and appearances, but if life away from home has taught me anything, it's that I'm more than that.

And I'm happy with who I'm becoming. : )

An Elaborate Chase Does Not A Relationship Make

Let me just preface this entry by saying that ultimately, in relationships, we are bound to make our own rules and then break them accordingly. We will continue to hope that we too are the exception to someone else's rule (a-la He's Just Not That Into You), and sometimes we will be. In other words, some of us might actually get the picture perfect romantic movie endings we always dreamed of. Of course, there's a reason we denote those endings as "exceptional," and that's because they don't happen every day -- chances are, when someone is treating you poorly in a relationship, they are not The One and have no real place in your life.

So here's the situation: you've been dating this guy for a long time and you are convinced that he's your perfect fit. You're completely in love with him and you doubt you could ever possibly shake those feelings. However, the two of you have definitely had your fights, and people often question why you are even together (after all, you're always second-guessing yourself when you're with him). Then one day, he really messes things up... and simply talking things through isn't going to repair anything. He goes to great lengths to plead your forgiveness. What do you do now?

a) End the relationship because you know you deserve better.

b) Forgive and forget because he fought for you!

c) Put your hands on his cash and spend it to the last dime for all the hard times. (Thank you, Blu Cantrell!)

Okay, as appealing as c sounds, it's probably illegal - so that option is out. All we have left now are a (the rational, albeit often difficult, response) and b (the one we tend to lean toward). Any apology that seems remotely heartfelt tends to be easily accepted because we think we're about to lose the love of our lives. And we feel as though that person made a distinct effort to chase after us, which is very romantic in movies and television. If you don't believe me, just look at all the fan pages devoted to this on Facebook... for example, one page entitled "when a girl says i'm done, it really means fight for me" has 261,655 fans (and quickly growing... I had to change that number from 261,093 within the last few minutes or so). 

Sadly, when it comes down to it, words are just words, and apologies don't really mean anything (as beautiful as they may sound and as creatively as they may be executed) unless they lead to a definite change. For every time I gave a boy the benefit of the doubt in a situation where he did not deserve it, I was the one who was ultimately disappointed. And why? Because the concept that he was "fighting" for me allowed me to block out every negative quality and made me see this perfect companionship that didn't really exist. Every time that I was proven wrong, I continued to hold on because I thought I feared losing someone who could be perfect for me. In the end, though, I think the thing we fear the most is our own supposed inadequacy -- we don't think we deserve or will ever be able to find something better.

Ultimately, I don't want anyone to fight for me just because it's a challenge or to maintain some kind of consistency. People make mistakes, but an elaborate apology is only appropriate when you're willing to improve the situation for the long-term and prevent the same mistakes from happening again.

That Is SO Real...

One of my guilty pleasures? America's Next Top Model. I tune in every week, either during its initial broadcast or online, and I catch marathons of the old cycles every so often on VH1 and Oxygen. The runway challenges and photo shoots are usually interesting, but often what makes the show is the behind-the-scenes banter, the in-house drama that divides the contestants and forces them to pick a side. And right in the center of it all is the same dilemma we face during every reality show smackdown, when one contestant begins to question another contestant's "realness." You always have that one upfront, in-your-face girl who calls everything as she sees it, for better or for worse (usually the latter), and her lackeys who revere her for it. Let's call them Group A. Then you have the quieter faction in the house, Group B, whose members badmouth their more abrasive house-mates behind their backs but generally don't go out of the way to confront them unless there is a specific reason to do so. Of course, there may be a few stragglers who lock themselves upstairs and wait for all of this to pass, but for the most part, the house is a war zone. Group A picks fights with Group B, who continues to discuss the fight privately, and when one member of Group A hears this, she claims that at least she's real and that the others are clearly fake. She will take pride in that fact, because being real is obviously, to her, the most important thing you can be.

Sometimes I wonder how this translates to real life. True, there is a bit of disconnect between television and reality (understatement of the year) but surely some of human nature does translate into those 30-minute / hour time slots. Plenty of people I know say that they value honesty above all else, but how true is that? Maybe you want people to be honest with you about the important things, like whether or not your boyfriend is cheating on you or whether or not you're about to make the biggest mistake of your life.

But what about the smaller truths? For example, if you get a hideous haircut that you love, do you really want your friends to tell you truthfully that you look like a mushroom? If you run into your friend's ex in the middle of a store, are you really going to go right up and yell in his/her face unprovoked?

Maybe you would. Maybe I'm not confrontational enough, and maybe it is important to stand by your beliefs no matter what. But in my opinion, too much confrontation and "realness" would cause the very fabric of our society to disintegrate as we know it. If we voiced every opinion we ever had and acted upon it, life would be complete chaos.

To me, a little bit of fake is okay when it accompanies a stronger truth. What do you think?

The Freshman 15: What I've Learned

It's that time of the semester again! With a week of exams to tackle, last-minute grades to boost, and vacation plans to finalize, no one can overlook the fact that the year is coming to a close. But for some of us, this marks the end of a very exciting beginning. This time last year, I was scrambling for A.P. tests, shopping for my dorm room, attending pep rallies, and anticipating senior skip days. Now, in April 2010, I'm proud to say I survived my freshman year of college (not without challenges) and I've learned a lot from it... not just about anthropology and public speaking and how to use an oven or washing machine, but about (dare I say it) life.

Yes, I'm turning into one of those corny, semi (maybe a bit pseudo?)-self-actualized college students who thinks she knows everything... all I need to do now is start sleeping by the Reflection Pond of the school and bringing a frisbee with me everywhere I go. Perhaps that isn't exactly what I've become, but the truth is, I can't look at myself today and see the same person I saw in high school anymore. Things have definitely changed - hopefully for the better - and in order to document that, I decided to create my own Freshman 15, a list of the fifteen most important things I learned this year. And so, without further ado...

The Freshman 15

1. A first impression isn't everything.

Okay, so sometimes you do have to stick to your gut. Sometimes you might not like someone right away for a reason, and that's perfectly acceptable. But don't judge a book by its cover -- some of my best friends at school are the people I never thought I would see again, and some of the people I no longer hang out with are the people I thought would be my best friends.

2. Be friendly to everyone.

The first week after move-in is great for meeting people, because everyone is new to the school and looking to find their future best friends and boyfriends/girlfriends. Meet and talk to everyone you can... it really is worth it in the long run!

3. Flexibility is key.

I applied to college with every intention of majoring in Journalism and eventually winning the Pulitzer Prize, but a week into my first semester, I decided that it was no longer my passion. A little soul-searching and a trip to Career Services later, I changed to Advertising/Public Relations, and I couldn't be happier. It's okay if your plans don't unfold as you originally wanted them to; you just have to revise them until you've created something even better.

4. A fever is never really "no big deal."

After battling the flu, two ear infections, and mono in just the fall semester alone, I can honestly say that visiting the health center when you're not feeling like yourself is totally worth it. Living in close quarters with other people means that you're going to get sick, like it or not.

5. Take tons of pictures.

Document everything you can while you're here. It's always fun to look back later!

6. The "walk of shame" is not a myth.

Such a thing is possible no matter how far apart you live, regardless of whether or not anyone actually had sex. Just smile when you run into people and try your best to avoid their questions. :)

7. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

College is the one time where you'll have all these free services at your disposal... so go to the tutoring sessions, have Career Services look over your resume, talk to your advisors when you need advice on course selections, etc. After all, you've technically already paid for it, so you might as well get some use out of it!

8. When in doubt, turn on some Lady Gaga.

Whether you're getting ready to go out, craving a dance party with friends, or just hoping for something to brighten your day, Lady Gaga's your man. Or woman? You decide.

9. Parents aren't total dinosaurs.

The relationship you have with your parents does change when you're living away from home. And since they are no longer nagging you to follow a certain curfew or clean your room, you tend to be treated more like an adult. This makes it a lot easier to talk to them when you need advice or support. The more I talk to my parents, the more I find that they went through the same situations as the ones I am going through now, and they usually have better insight than anyone else.

10. Know who your real friends are.

Your friends aren't the people who leave you sick and stranded outside a club on a Saturday night because the line is too long to sit and wait with you. Your friends are the people who rush over to pick you up and talk you through things... the people who take care of you and bring you milkshakes when you're going through a tough time... the people you can ask the most embarrassing questions and expect the most honest answers from. And they are, perhaps, some of the best people you have ever met.

11. Find a way to de-stress.

It doesn't matter how much you love your classes or how strong your time management skills are... you will still, to some degree, experience stress. A little bit is okay and actually good for you, but when it becomes too overpowering, it's important to have some kind of release. (For example, I try go to yoga classes before I have a big test.)

12. Clubbing is overrated.

Of course this is coming from someone who doesn't like to dance, but the whole "night life" thing isn't all that college is about. It's great if you want your hair and clothes to smell like cigarettes, or if you want to get hit on by drunk older guys who don't care what your name is, but other than that, it usually isn't worth it. In fact, I've had more fun with friends doing completely random, even seemingly mundane things, than I've ever had at a club.

13. Take advantage of opportunities to grow.

If a guest speaker is coming in to talk about something that interests you, go. If the school is giving a workshop on one of your weaknesses, go. If you're in a club that offers some kind of retreat where you can learn more about yourself, go! Do whatever you can to improve on something in your life.

14. The hardest decisions you'll have to make are often the most worth it.

It may hurt at the time, but you'll thank yourself later if you do what you think is right. After all, when one door closes, another one opens.

15. Do what makes you happy.

Don't worry about what everyone else thinks. It is your responsibility to take care of yourself and keep your best interests at heart. Like Winnie the Pooh once said, "Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there someday."

What do you guys think? What has college/your freshman year taught you?

The Idealized Version of You

I don't love you. I love the idea of you. Let's face it: if we could admit that to ourselves, we wouldn't have to deal with so many relationship dramas in our lives... we would see past it all and realize why things aren't working out. In reality, though, our logic is often flawed. We look to our friends, our crushes, our significant others, and when they mess things up, we justify their behaviors. Why? Because we really care about them? Sure, that's definitely a contributing factor. Because they're just that good-looking? A little superficiality never hurt anyone (well, maybe that's a bad example!). But I think the real reason why we do this to ourselves is not just because of our love or attraction for the people who hurt us, but because of what our love and attraction have led to... an idealized image of that person, one that can never, ever do wrong.

It really hit home for me when I was having boy issues a long time ago. The relationship was built around a friendship, which was something I had always wanted: a boyfriend who doubled as a best friend. I still maintain that such a relationship appeals to me (after all, my current boyfriend and I were already close friends for months before we started dating), but I learned since then that it's important not to confuse those images with what's really there. Yes, this guy from forever ago was my friend... yes, we had our inside jokes and long talks and chemistry. But when this guy started blowing me off and acting weird around me, I didn't immediately think to myself, What a jerk for treating me like this, he's not worth my time. Instead, I thought about the foundation upon which the relationship was built, and when my other friends told me I was too good for him, I rationalized that he was one of my best friends and that he would never try to hurt me.

Of course, things ultimately went up in flames, and I learned all too quickly that it was never really him that made me happy. It was this built-up image of him that I'd had... this idealized version of this boy who was actually kind of mediocre in every way, but because I liked him he could do no wrong. And I realize now how dangerous that really is, because truthfully, everyone is flawed. And everyone is capable of hurting someone else... even on purpose.

The point is, we do this to ourselves all the time. We idealize the ones we care about - not just our significant others, but our friends as well. It is so important to distinguish the real person from the paper person (the idea), because when we keep making these mistakes, we allow ourselves to be treated unfairly without consequence. We need to know that when someone wrongs us, it's okay to be upset. And when someone continues to hurt us, it's okay to decide that we deserve better.

Images are great when it comes to advertisements and art, but what happens when they leak into our lives?

Why Relationships and Romantic Comedies Shouldn't Mix

For years, it’s been the same old story. Guy and Girl meet, exchange witty banter, and realize they share some kind of strong connection, which can go one of two ways: either they will acknowledge a mutual attraction right away, or each will claim to find the other insufferable (even though the audience equates their dislike for one another with sexual tension). Guy and Girl hit a few bumps in the road, until one does something that the other finds inexcusable, but in the end, he or she will make it up to the other one with some grand gesture, all culminating in a big speech. “I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible,” Harry tells Sally on New Year’s. “I believed in you. I just didn’t believe in me,” Blane says to Andie in Pretty in Pink. And who can forget Kat’s tearful reading of her poem in 10 Things I Hate About You, when she tells Heath Ledger’s character that, “I hate the way I don’t hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all”?

The speech always does it. Because no matter what one character has done to the other - no matter what they’ve been through - as long as his or her heart is in the right place, then things will be okay in the end. We root for them to end up together because that’s exactly what we want for ourselves. We want the people who have hurt us most to realize their mistakes and come crawling back to us, bouquet of roses in hand, with an elaborate apology and passionate plea for forgiveness. And we want to forgive them. After all, Sally forgives Harry for his indiscretions, and just months later they are happily married.

The sad part is that although so many of us look to these romantic comedies for insight into our own love lives, the movies themselves can actually be a poison. Because the characters are falling in love while screwing each other over, we think that everybody who does this to us in real life is eventually going to make things right. The movies are pure fiction, made for our entertainment, but we treat them as a how-to guide for relationships, and then we wonder why we keep getting hurt.

This isn’t to say that people don’t change for the better, or that people don’t learn from their mistakes. Some of them do, and it’s important to recognize when that happens. But we have to separate our lives from the Hollywood endings we crave, because the guy who took that bet to turn you into the prom queen isn’t always going to fall madly in love with you. The journalist who dated you for an article on what not to do in a relationship isn’t necessarily going to quit her job to protect your integrity. And the person you cared about that was always sort of ambivalent about commitment probably isn’t going to suddenly change his/her mind and focus on being with only you.

It’s okay to give second chances, but when fact starts to blend in with fiction, it’s time to press “stop” and move on to something new.